Wed 9 Jul 2008
Maybe I shouldn’t have been poking around in the odd corners of the blog, but I was and I found this ruff of notes for a future post marked ’still more dkane rants’. It follows:
“Must get more ire and spleen in blog. Pictures of summer in the Berkshires going to saccharine. I want more enraged spittle spotting screens and my coterie of fellow posters dripping venom from the keyboards of the Borgias. ‘Happy Campers’ - not on my watch. Must find more topics for irate carping and obdurate opinions to be bloviated. OK OK todays Times. Yeah, this is great … Smith and Wake Forest to drop SAT and ACT requirements. Perfect!! Who does Morty think he is, letting these jerkwater schools get ahead of us!!! Wake Forest, for God’s sake … Winston-Salem.. named after two cigarettes. Do they allow smoking on campus? No SAT/ACT? damn right… get those ignorant rednecks right there at the Speedy Riggs School of Tobacco Auctioneering. And SMITH … still ALL WOMEN. How can Morty and the trustees let this happen? Aren’t they answerable to the alumni? Smith … didn’t they hear about the 60’s? How can Williams let these two schools hog the lede in the Times!!! Is this where our alumni contributions are going. WHERE IS RESPONSIBILITY!!! And what about those library shelves anyway! Would they resist cigarette butts? WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY that should be going to help further our extension efforts to the College of Greater Baja Sud for their ground breaking work in Margarita studies. Thats how you break the cycle of poverty and fight the corruption so rampant in the guberment of Mex. Yeah, thats what Williams is all about … must search for more good stuff after I beat interns senseless with another lecture on the meaning of MONEY and how to get my share. Now what’s a topic where Frank can chime in on the Evils of the Angevine Report ….
(breaks off)
July 9th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
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July 10th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Union of Carolina Tobacco Growers
Ste 2400
The Zig-Zag Building
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Juste Fumeur
Legal Advisor
Mr. Swart,
Your alleged attribution of the statements (above) to one ‘dkane’ may or may not stand scrutiny. But that is not my matter.
In these above statements, references are made to cigarettes and, by implication, the tobacco industry. This is my concern. The statements seem to be from your hand or at the very least have been forwarded by you.
In the interests of full disclosure, I take this opportunity to inform readers that you were employed by The Student Marketing Institute in the school years 1953-1955 as Representative on Campus for the American Tobacco Company.
In this role you did perform the duties of distributing trial size packets of Lucky Strike, Pall Mall, and Herbert Tarryton cigarettes. You also conducted contests of your devising and used the college radio station to promulgate these activities. You also audited sales of these brands vis-à-vis other competing brands at the two drug stores then located on Spring Street. During the time of your employ, Lucky Strike and Pall Mall enjoyed the number one and number two positions. In fairness to your efforts, Herbert Tarryton, despite many personality makeovers, was never a big seller outside of rather louche circles.
Further, you did use this employment as a bona fide in your application to Batten, Barton, Durstine and Osborn for a position in their training program. This, together with a strong push from a then-trustee met at the bar of the Williams Club, made your efforts successful. So successful, you were able to postpone starting employment until the fall of 1956 so that you could be a waiter in Provincetown and a life model at the Hans Hoffman School. The father of Abstract Expressionism used to refer to you as “Der Kerl mit der Grosse Fusse”.
I hope readers will take Mr Swart’s ambiguous position re: cigarettes and smoking into consideration in evaluating his posting (above).
By the way, dkane by observation exhibits many of the obsessive and retentive characteristics of an ex-smoker just dying for one more gasper.
Sincerely,
Juste Fumeur.
July 10th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
C’est
July 10th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Dear Mr. Fumeur,
On behalf of EB, and as a concerned mother of one of many of the students who read this site, I would like to respond to your letter regarding Mr. Richard Swart.
I think I speak for most of us when I say, that for some time now, we have taken more than the above into consideration when evaluating Dick’s posts. In fact, his…’guardian’, Mr. Rechtal Turgidley, has given us fair warning as to a ‘condition of sorts’ that Dick has been suffering. Moreso, the level of concern voiced by Mr. Turgidley led many of us to the conclusion that Mr. Swart’s stint abroad was more in the vein of a ‘rest cure’ than a cultural adventure.
Now, in light of what you have brought to our attention, it seems clear, that his ‘character’ has been suffering from ‘moral detriment’ for much longer than was previously supposed; with a past mired in (not only) an excess of rum punches, but cigarette smoking and modeling as well! (Quel horreur, Monsieur Fumuer. C’est vraiment trop. Son comportement m’a choque!) Louche indeed.
Again (though the facts will be verified before we take action), we do appreciate your taking us into your confidence. After all, this is a blogsite dedicated to the pursuance of truth and justice, and any behavior that jeopardizes the strong moral compass which guides us, will not be tolerated.
Sincerely,
Soph Mom
July 10th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
,. losche
July 11th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
What’s going on? maybe I’m missing something but neither the post nor the replies make any sense to me. Could someone be kind enough to show me the light?
July 12th, 2008 at 9:41 am
To eph 10:
As far as comments 1, 3 and 5, I have no idea what they mean.
However, Dick’s post, and my ‘letter of response’ are kind of a long-running conversation involving fictional characters, and fictional circumstances….just a bit of zany fun.
As a relative newcomer on EB, there were discussions, and references, that made little sense to me at first, but which took on more meaning as I became better ‘acquainted’ with some of the bloggers, and the site. An occasional foray into the archives has also been helpful…and provided some wonderful discussions and background.
July 12th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Dear Sophmom,
You are saying “there is no Rectal Turgidley, Jr’ because this is what you have heard from some of your little friends and you are writing to The Ephblog because dkane says if you read it in the Ephblog, it is so.
Is there a Rechtal Turgidley, Jr?
Yes, Sophmom, there is a Rechtal Turgidley, Jr. He exists as certainly as sarcasm and vituperation and bipolar malfunction exist, and you know they abound and give to your life its reprehensible sense of vilification and and despair. Alas! how pedantic would be this blog if there were no Rechtal Turgidley, Jr. It would be as pedantic as if there were no Sophmoms. There would be no childlike puncturing of the prideful then, no sophomoric humor, no cheap shot laughs to make tolerable this blog. We should have no parody, except unwittingly in the sense and sight of this blog itself. The eternal light with which this blog fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Rechtal Turgidley, Jr! You might as well not believe in fairies! The most real things in this blog are those that neither postor nor commentator can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that is no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unreadable in the blog.
No Rechtal Turgidley, Jr! Thank Morty! he lives and he lives forever. Two days from now, Sophmom, nay, two times two days from now, he will continue to radiate the ire of curmudgeonry.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Mr. Turgidley!
Where and when did I say that I “don’t believe in Rechtal Turgidley, Jr.”?
Perhaps I should point out that there are many fictional characters on EB. In fact, there are some commenters who are so bold as to take on 2 to 3 identities within one thread alone. Far be it from me to presume to know (specifically) who is, or isn’t fictional on this site.
And in light of your very ungentlemanly behavior in the above comment, I feel I must add, that though “living up to one’s name”, is, in most cases, a positive endeavor…in your case, I would highly recommend against it.
July 13th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Alas, when one is in his dotage, one looses track of what references are the ‘euros’ of currency and which referrals have been relegated to the numismatic archives of the ‘mark’ and the ’shilling’.
I apologize to Sophmom for not recognizing a younger reader would not reference the ‘florin’ of the 1897 “Yes, Virginia” Santa Claus edit piece in the New York Sun.
I feel certain that if she rereads the comment and substitutes ‘Virginia’ for ‘Sophmom’ and ‘ephblog’ for the ‘world’, she will understand that no references were meant to her good personage and the objectionable and inflammatory language was directed as a furthering of my old roommate;s alleged note from the bottom of the blog chest of drawers.
Again, with sincere apologies,
Rechtal Turgidley, Jr.
Quark Island, ME
http://www.newseum.org/yesvirginia/
July 14th, 2008 at 1:22 am
Dear Recht (if I may),
Now I understand why my first impulse was to invoke Santa Claus in my reply to you…before I got caught up in (ahem) the ‘mom’ impulse of ‘checking’ your behavior. Indeed, I thought your retort sounded somewhat familiar. Alas, the jingle of your ‘currency’ was recognized in the recesses of the right side of my brain, but subjugated by the left.
As a token of apology for misjudging, I lift a toast… to you, and to Santa, and to Virginia…and to all those in the world who leave “skepticism behind” and embrace the wonder of the “unseeable.”
Sincerely,
Soph mom